While watching Say Yes to the Dress on TLC, which is filmed at the so-called ‘exclusive’ Kleinfeld bridal salon in New York City, I saw an otherwise sensible-looking woman of middle age (although she probably tried to fool everyone with her clearly tanning-bed induced glow) exclaim with delight over a Pnina Tornai slutbag original, “This dress is SO classy.” Her friends and family followed suit, with glowing praise for the gown. I suppose the apple doesn’t fall too far from the tree, as the woman’s sister was carrying a Canal Street-original Channel bag. (That’s right, I said Channel. These are bags that aren’t foolin’ anyone. Usually purchased by women who cannot be bothered to match their lipstick and lipliner, yet they think someone will believe they could afford a $2,000 handbag? Puhleeze).

Anyhoo, back to the dress transgression. You can see belly button. You can see flab. You can see stretch marks. You can see that whoever wears a midriff-bearing wedding gown is clearly out of touch with reality. Disney princesses may be able to wear seashell bras and frolick about with their tummies everywhere, but you are most likely not animated, and thus are not privy to this privilege.

I am far from a traditionalist when it comes to the rite of marraige, professing my love for Reem Acra’s light blue chiffon gown and ballet shoes as my wedding attire dream, but looking like a harlot on the day you profess to love and cherish your groom is downright inappropriate and trashy. Not to mention, once again, that these dresses cost $5,000+ and you will most likely be embarassed to show your grandchildren the photos. “Oh look, Bobby, Grandma looks like a common street whore in this picture!” I’m sure Pnina Tornai and other designers who create such eyesores are lovely people, but in charging $5,000 for something that looks like it was torn apart by a pack of wild wolves is just silly. Actually, they’re smart – they’re making money off of other’s bad taste, laughing at them all the way to the bank. Paying $5,000 for something that is classless, trashy and looks straight-out-the trailer park is just terrible financial management. Just because it cost your yearly salary, doesn’t mean it looks good. It takes a lot of money to look trashy – case in point, Lil’ Kim.

The thing is, you aren’t Lindsay Lohan [thank God for small miracles]. You’re also not twelve. And I’m guessing that you want your legs to look as fabulous as possible. Cutting them off mid-calf with a pair of Juicy Couture leggings [which cost $98, to look tacky] just makes you look like the guy that shows up late to the party and tries to weasel his way into a group conversation, only to find that the conversation has moved on pretty quickly, and his limited intellect leaves him lagging behind. Leggings were “in”, what, three years ago? If you’re still sporting them, and yes, even to go to Wal-Mart for a loaf of bread — people in Wal-Mart still have eyes, you’re a bit late to the style party. But if you’re wearing leggings, you probably weren’t invited.

Somehow, it’s just hard to believe that Junior was as God-fearing and innocent as these people would have you think.

You thought, because you’re stupid, that Junior was at home watching Anne of Avonlea, when really, he was Googling bomb recipes. But you’re right, I mean, who would ever think that a small amount of uranium and metal soldering equipment meant your little darling was building bombs?